Why I (sometimes) Hate Running

This is the town and mountain of Steamboat. This is a beautiful summer day. I imagine running when this picture was taken would have been near perfect. I cannot wait for more days that look like this. Last Tuesday it did not look at all like this in Steamboat.

On Tuesday, seeking a change and a chance to get to know the Steamboat Marathon course, a friend/coworker and me were dropped off 17 miles outside of Steamboat. When we left town and were dropped off, it was 55 degrees and sunny. I left the fleece in the car and wore just a t-shirt.

Although I have spent a lot of time outdoors in the mountains, I left my better judgment with my fleece and did not think about drastic weather changes. The first four or five miles of my run were gorgeous.  I waved at cows, took in the scenery, clicked of some fast miles and tried to focus on landmarks for reference during the actual marathon. I rounded a corner and saw a very ominous cloud staring me down. The eternal optimist in me just assumed it would pass over.

Then, I started to notice I really had not seen any sign of human life for a while. Just cows. Cows are nice but cannot help when weather gets bad. And that is what happened. It started to hail. Then sleet. Then lightning and thunder. Then rain and sleet. Then rain and snow. Then rain. All the while, the wind was blowing in my face about 30 miles per hour.

After another few miles, I could see the valley leading into Steamboat. It was completely socked in. This storm was not going to break. Ice started to form on my arms and chest. My core temperature was dropping. I started to literally lose my mind. I cursed myself for the ignorance of leaving my fleece. I cursed the storm. I cursed the heavens. I cursed the cars driving by at 60 miles per hour splashing more water on me. I cursed the cows. I cursed God.

I stuck my thumb out to passing cars. No one stopped. My fingers started to lose feeling. But the worst part was the loneliness. More than the loneliness of the situation. The loneliness felt from losing a companion. A companion you spent seven years attached to. And I cursed God for putting me in that situation. In my mind numbing experience, I had forgotten how much God has been alongside me through the loneliness caused by a tragic situation.

When I made it back to our office, I was extremely embarrassed and hurt by my own actions. I really lost my mind. Seriously. While telling people about it, I could laugh with them about the absurdity of the situation. Now as I am typing this, I am even smiling. But inside on that day (and the next), I ached over my anger. I sent an email to my good friend, Melissa, to tell her my embarrassment and my feelings of potentially damaging my relationship with God. I mean, I really let loose on Him. Here is part of her response:

“Your story reminds me somewhat of how I imagine Peter feeling after the rooster crows. Often we are so quick to judge Peter for abandoning Jesus in those final moments but I know Peter loved Jesus more than I ever have because of all that he gave up for him that I have not. So, it had to take a severe situation of fear and a build-up of the emotions of those last days to cause him to abandon his Master, his Friend. And when he hears the rooster crow, I hurt to imagine how horrible he felt. I think he was destroyed by his betrayal and the fact that Jesus knew all along that he would do it.  YET – I think Peter truly became the Rock upon which the Church was built because of that experience specifically. That despite his lack of faithfulness and his passionate betrayal, God’s love never wavered. God never abandoned him. And as a result, Peter – out of intense love, not shame or guilt – committed the rest of his life and suffered eventual martyrdom out of faithfulness to a God who never denied him. In the end the story goes that when Peter was to be crucified he requested to be crucified upside down because he felt unworthy to die in the same manner of Christ.  Another example of a wounded healer.”

Beautiful. It is SO our God to watch us throw a tantrum in a literal or metaphorical storm and then await us with open arms. And Love. And Forgiveness. And when we are ready to move past our pain, shame and guilt (admittedly sometimes so challenging to do), He is ready to do lovely things with us and through us. I think the first step is to allow ourselves to be filled with Love. To allow ourselves to be blessed and then bless others. Because despite our beliefs otherwise, I do not think life is about our tantrums on the side of the road in the rain in front of the cows. It is about the radiant Blessings and Love waiting for us. It’s time to stop feeling guilty. Or shameful. Or disappointed in ourselves or situations. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. It’s time to be blessed and bless.

What are you holding onto that you don’t like about yourself? That is, what is holding you back from feeling Blessed and Loved? I have a long list to choose from. Let’s let go of one of those things this weekend. And look for a Blessing to replace it with. I am going to attempt to let go of my mileage paranoia. And my amazing ability to be disappointed with myself.

*Editor’s note: If you did not click on “Melissa” and follow the link, my internal journalist is disappointed. It is a link to her blog. It has better insight and is more thought provoking than anything I write. Here is an opportunity to check it out again.

*Editor’s (second) note: I love running. I do. It is why I do it too much. I just don’t have as many life lessons on beautiful runs when everything is going my way. Even though I think it might be boring, the next post about running will be describing a beautiful run. Ugh. It makes me sick to think about writing about just my run with no deep life meaning. So boring. But I will try to spice it up. Maybe I will wear a costume while I run. Or try to get a CMC student to chase me.

Easter Bunnies, Easter Eggs, Easter Candies, Easter Dresses, Easter Brunches, Easter Egg Hunts…

This is a photo I took during a hike with a good friend last Friday evening. We then went for a ski down the mountain after dark. While the sun was setting I was thinking about all of the people who love and support who I am. And that is even more beautiful than this resplendent sunset.

Many children in Steamboat have an awesome (albeit potentially false) perception of reality. At least reality outside of the ski town bubble that is Steamboat. Steamboat has had about five fireworks displays this winter. All of which were longer and contained bigger and brighter fireworks than I have ever seen. It took about five years of my life to see as many fireworks displays as they have seen in one winter.

Most Steamboat children might think Easter is the time when a helicopter drops thousands of candy-filled plastic eggs from the sky. They might also think it is a time when 300 bikes are raffled off. And they also might think this is the purpose of the Christian church.

In an effort to convert as many people as possible, many churches attempt to take advantage of their large audiences on Christmas and Easter. I get it. I am very much a product of the church. And I do believe a lot of this stems from good hearts, kindness and love. But, I think we might be missing the point.

So, to all of the readers who do not identify as Christian or the ones who do but do not attend much church outside of Easter and Christmas, I am sorry. I know you probably heard the story of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and being resurrected three days later. If that doesn’t sound crazy enough, you probably then felt pressured to commit your life to this dude. If I were in the same situation I would have felt very weird and uncomfortable with the whole situation. If you did, I am sorry. As Christ followers, we should have shown you love, warmth and acceptance with no agenda. We should have been friends to you with no agenda. If that is what you experienced, you went to the right place.

To all of my readers who identify as Jesus Christ followers: did you take this opportunity to show completely accepting and unreserved love? Were you annoyed that someone was sitting in your normal chair? Did you tell someone you didn’t know how happy you were to see them? Did you ignore everyone there you didn’t know?

Although I love the thought of Jesus base jumping from a helicopter down to the masses. Or Him pulling bikes and other presents from his robe to give to the children, I don’t think this would have been the case. I am no Bible scholar, but I am pretty sure Jesus made his first entrance in a barn. His second (days before His death) was on a jack ass. Not really helicopter status. I think He also liked to draw in the dirt. And rampage the temple when people were in it selling things. He also loved everyone. Especially the poor. And the lepers. And children. And the afflicted. And the burnt-out. And the people no one else loved. When was the last time we (as Christ followers) showed this type of love?

When someone comes up to me on the street asking for money, I often try to avoid them. Instead of sitting down and talking to them. Hospitals make me so uncomfortable. I don’t like to see people when they are in a weak and vulnerable state. Jesus probably would have loved hanging out with people in hospitals.

As the modern day, Western church, do we represent Christ’s simple, relentless, unreserved love? Or do we keep people at a safe distance by giving them helicopters and bikes but not really talking to them? Do we send mass emails or do we share meals? Do we spend energy showing love to the least of these or do we spend energy trying to convert? Trying to “save” people on our own instead of simply loving and accepting and then trusting God to work?

After a conversation about these very topics, a good friend sent me a link to a blog of a Christ follower who gets it. Here is the link. It is a lot shorter and less “preachy” than this post. Check it out.

*Editors note: After publishing this post, WordPress gives me suggestions on how to tag my post based on content. Today’s suggestions: video games, gaming, aviation and transportation. Wonderful.

Introducing Affirmation Mondays (Week One Installment)

This is my friend Daniel and me finishing a race. We are holding hands. Because we love each other. And running. Affirmations are about telling those you love why you love them. I love Daniel because he does this type of stuff with me. But this post isn’t about Daniel. His will come later.

Mondays are hard. To help me get through them, I am starting a weekly themed post called Affirmation Mondays. I think affirmations are always a good thing. And I have a problem telling those closest to me how much they mean to me. So, Mondays are now all about affirmations. It only makes sense to start with the two people who brought me into this world – Tom and Lisa Allen. My parents.

Thomas Edwin Allen grew up in southeast Kansas. Lisa Gay McDaniel grew up in south-central Missouri. They met in forestry school at the University of Missouri-Columbia. This post could be summarized by saying they are a big part of the person I am today and they continually show me support and love no matter how long it takes me to “grow up” and despite my continuous shenanigans. But, summarizing would not do them (or this post) justice. This is Affirmation Monday! I can see their influence in my life in a few distinct ways.

1) When I was a child (birth to let’s say 12ish). Tom and Lisa read to me. And had me read to them. They taught me the value of reading and knowledge from the beginning. They also took me outside. A lot. They showed me a ton of love and support. All of our family vacations involved being outside. I rarely remember staying in hotels. We camped. They took me fishing. They took me skiing. They put a basketball in my hands. They also took me to church but never forced me into beliefs. They allowed me to form those on my own.

2) When I was a teenager (13ish to high school graduation). Tom and Lisa made a big time mistake here. They introduced me to running. This led to many early Saturdays for them traveling across Missouri to watch me run across parks and golf courses. They went to every track and cross country meet. But they were not the crazy parents many of my teammates had. They cheered me on. They supported me. They celebrated with me when I ran well and were bummed with me when I ran poorly. It might be hard to believe, but there were a lot of parents that actually got mad or disappointed in their kids when they ran poorly. This was never the case for me. They showed up. They ran across the golf courses and parks to cheer me on in as many places as possible. They were waiting at home when I showed up with tears still in my eyes after the state cross country championships my senior year. They waited at the track at the sectional championships my senior year while I went behind the grand stand and cried my eyes out after missing state qualifying by about a second – officially ending my high school running career.

They also supported growth, experiences and spirituality by continually taking me into nature and putting up with all of the stupid things teenage dudes do (especially with friends).

3) When I was a college student (18ish to 24ish). Support and love. Again. That is really all they showed me during this time. Even though I continuously went away from them and put other people and pursuits as higher priorities in my life. Specifically, when I was putting all of my time and energy into one relationship, they continued to wait eagerly for my phone calls or my visits home. Even though I blew them off for the pursuit of this relationship, they showed love and support. And that day when it all came crashing down, they wept with me. They hurt with me. They shared my burden and broken heart. They ached for me. They did as much as they could to take the pain from me.

4) The now (25) and future. Even though I am 25 and have two college degrees, they still send me money for groceries when my food assistance falls through the cracks of the bureaucracy of the federal government. They support my dreams even though they involve potentially moving across the country from them and putting myself in the debt they have worked so hard to keep me from. Even though they would love to see me settle into a career and begin to fully support myself, they continue to support my passions that will delay a career and financial stability for another few years.

Tom and Lisa Allen are full of love, support and interest in my life. They have taught me about the value of hard work. They fostered a healthy spiritual environment without forcing their beliefs. They introduced me to outside and every resplendent activity and sight that comes with it. They taught me to relentlessly pursue my dreams. They taught me to be fearless. They taught me I can do anything if it is truly something I care about. Their unyielding love and support is why I am who I am. And for that, I am forever grateful.

I invite you to join in on affirming someone close to you today. Or someone not close to you. Whatever. Affirming is the best. Affirmation Mondays!